Heart flutters, excitement, hope.
These are just a few of the flurries of emotions that swept through me as I realized my dream was coming true!
Our future was about to change in ways I had only dreamed of.
With each passing week, my excitement grew.
And then, in the blink of an eye, I was overcome with disbelief. The pain I felt was overwhelming.
How could this be?
Heart broken, I realized that my dreams were lost. Helpless, my world came crashing down.
My babies left before I could even hold them in my arms.
Miscarriage. Its such a lonely place to be.
My husband and I have had five miscarriages. Its such a lonely experience and in my pain, I kept quiet as many do. Looking back now, that may have been one of the biggest contributors to the emotional pain that followed me for so many years.
Of course, in the excitement of knowing you’re pregnant, you want to tell the world. Yet in that first trimester, your baby is so fragile and if you miscarry, you then have to break the news that you’re no longer pregnant. At the same time, by telling no one, there is no one to support you during that time of deep grieving.
No one else knew of the pain I was in. I did my best to hide it. Cheerful and optimistic on the outside, feeling as though I was drowning on the inside. After awhile, I would bury my emotional pain so deep that I could almost tell myself that it didn’t matter any longer, until it did.
With each miscarriage I felt as though I was on an emotional roller-coaster. It isn’t easy to admit everything that I felt. Grief, anger, shame, jealousy, empty and depressed.
I felt like a failure. My body couldn’t do the one thing that I thought it should be able to; carry a child! I felt so ashamed and compared myself to every happy mother that I saw.
There is nothing that I’ve experienced in this lifetime that has affected me more emotionally, mentally or spiritually than the loss of my pregnancies. Coming to terms with my inability to have my own children was a very long journey for me.
The emotional pain that I felt up until now was so heavy and dark, yet I felt like I couldn’t let go. I held on to my heartache like a baby holds its blankie. I held on for fear of forgetting.
It took me so long to make peace with each baby that I lost. It took even longer to forgive myself.
I thought that by creating busy work, by just getting on in life and putting the past behind me, that eventually the memory and the heartache would just disappear. What I learned is that it doesn’t and it won’t. Not until I was able to dive deep into my personal journey and do the work to heal, only then did I begin to feel peace with my loss.
Finally, the day came that I was able to look in the mirror and say out loud, “I’m done! I can’t keep carrying this pain with me.”
At that moment, I gave myself permission to feel some sense of peace.
Shortly after that, I heard Gabby Bernstein say that “when you say YES to healing, the healing is presented to you in a very profound way.”
That is just what happened for me.
Soon after, I met with a friend and began to share my story. To my surprise, she didn’t greet me with the same judgement, ridicule or pity that I had shown myself all these years.
She met me with compassion. She listened, she asked questions that encouraged me to go deeper. She challenged me to be more compassionate toward myself.
She also asked me to consider journaling. At the time, I couldn’t imagine pouring all of my heartache onto paper but I was willing to try.
I began to journal, I wrote letters to each of my babies and found this to be such a powerful experience.
Slowly, I began to forgive myself too. Yes, self-forgiveness was one of my steps to emotionally healing the loss of my babies!
By this time, I had been introduced to Reiki and was blessed to find a teacher who taught me to become a Reiki energy healer. For me, Reiki became an integral part of my healing journey.
It took time, yet, I can honestly say that my heart is now at peace. I now feel as though I’ve healed all the layers of my broken heart.
It’s been 17 years since my first miscarriage. My life has been full of amazing blessings. A husband that I love and he’s my best friend. He stood by me and supported me, even when he couldn’t understand all that I was going through.
We have 3 little fur babies that we adore. We’ve been homestay parents to more than 35 International students and have travelled the world.
Now, my heart is filled with a sense peace. This journey of healing has opened me up to my purpose! I’m passionate about supporting other women as they heal their own emotional trauma of pregnancy loss.
When you’re ready to release your heartache, anxiety or whatever may be holding you back, let the Universe know and an opportunity for healing WILL present itself to you!
How do you know that you’re ready to heal an experience in your life?
- You feel SO tired of carrying the weight of your sadness, anxiety or fears that you’re willing to do the necessary work.
- You finally realize that there’s something more you desire, if only you could get past ________________________ (fill in the blank, what is your monster?)
- When all is quiet, you can begin to imagine your life in a whole new light, despite what you’re feeing right now.
[Author Bio] Tracey Swainson is wife and fur baby mama, first and foremost. She’s also an intuitive healer and mentor, passionate about supporting women as they heal their heartache of pregnancy loss and the stories that may have been created due to the emotional trauma of their loss. She brings healing both to the spiritual and physical bodies through intimate, sacred, supportive one on one sessions. It was the emotional and spiritual healing of her own pregnancy loss experiences that fully birthed her into this sacred work. Tracey empowers women to transform their broken hearts and guides them to remember their inherent truth so they can gain closure and heal from the inside – out.
You can find Tracey at the following:
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One of the reasons I started this blog was to connect with and inspire women to believe in themselves, to live life comparison free, feeling how they want to feel and to chase their dreams.
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